Two Days Ago, Yesterday, and Today

Two days ago, I thought about how great it would be to have a monkey. I googled, “How do you buy a monkey?”

They are $5,000 but it’s entirely possible to buy one.

Yesterday, I was in a car with my dad. I tried to have a conversation with him but he kept looking out of his window, pointing his finger and saying, “Look at that one over there. That is a beautiful home. All homes around this lake will not sell for less than a million dollars.”

I said, “Let me drive.”

I wanted to drive us to a cliff, so I could walk to the edge of the cliff and feel like I was going to jump off the cliff, and then move away because I was afraid of jumping off the cliff.

My dad pointed somewhere and said, “The market is slow, but that house will not sell for less than one million dollars.”

We reached a cliff and I got out of the car. I thought it might be good if I jumped off the cliff because my future existence will only cause pain and suffering in the world.

My dad leaned out the window and said, “Are you going to jump off the cliff now?”

I said, “I don’t know. I kind of want to jump off the cl—”

My dad pointed somewhere and yelled, “Housing bubbles are causing real estate prices to plummet, but that house will not sell for less than one million dollars!”

I said, “Whether I die now or die later, I die anyways.”

My dad was like, “Drive us to that house over there. It won’t sell for less than one million dollars. God that house is hideous.”

I got back in the car and started driving. I wanted to drive the car over the cliff with both of us in it. Taking another person with me would double the effect of jumping off the cliff.

My dad was like, “A comparative market analysis on that house would show that it is not worth less than one million dollars. That is amazing.”
I forgot I was driving.

My dad said, “Somebody will smash their car into ours because our car is in the middle of the road, stopped.”

I said, “Oh.”

My dad said, “Someone will not realize that our car is stopped on the road and smash into us.”

I said, “But maybe that would be good because it would triple or even quadruple the effect of jumping off the cliff.”

My dad turned and looked at the road behind us. He said, “That is a beautiful home over there. Its proximity to big-city amenities combined with its serene location hits a home run in my book.”

I started driving again.

Today, I thought about how great it would be to have a black panther and parade it around the city on a leash.