Homeward Bound: An Obituary

Early yesterday morning, a memorial was held for former President of the United States, Nathaniel Mason, who recently died a tragic death while overseas. Millions mourned the loss of the Nobel Peace Prize recipient, renowned diplomat and international role model. The memorial followed the former President’s death during a selfless effort to save the lives of others.

The accident occurred on the Ganges River, late Sunday. As President Mason and his party waited to cross the river, a nearby ferry caught fire. The barge was transporting a traveling circus troupe of orphans and show monkeys when it burst into flames. According to eye witnesses, Mr. President dismounted his ornamental pachyderm and dove into the ancient river without hesitation.

President Mason made three successful trips to the barge retrieving several monkeys and orphans each trip. The orphans and show monkeys were described as clinging to Mr. President’s neck, back and legs as he thrust them closer to shore. It was on his last trip to the barge that he was able to fling the final chimp ashore before the flames engulfed him, the barge collapsed, and he drowned beneath the wreckage.

Yesterday’s memorial was held at dawn on the banks of the Snake River in Idaho. The brightest and best of the international community were in attendance, as well as many American leaders, scholars and patriots. The ceremony commenced with a procession of tribute in which attendees left notes, flowers and other mementos on the pyre. An elaborate pulley system then raised the platform one foot above the ground for every state of the union. Once the platform reached the

50th foot, a trio of Apache Indians released flaming arrows that struck the platform, igniting the remains. As the flames stretched higher the platform was slowly and steadily lowered, while Paul Simon strummed “Homeward Bound” on the guitar. As the pyre returned to the earth, the flames slowly dissipated as it was laid to rest.

After the flames had faded, the troupe of rescued circus orphans each held an ivory brush that was used to sweep the remains into gilded gutters that lined the platform. As they guided every last ash into the gutter, a weeping Arnold Schwarzenegger heaved one end of the platform which funneled the remains into a lone artillery shell. The shell was then packed and sealed by a blind leper that witnessed by ear the president’s valiant death. Then, veterans from the former President’s platoon loaded the shell in to the ceremonial cannon. As the rays of sunlight climbed over the mountains, Mason’s first born son lit the fuse with a smoldering marijuana joint and stepped aside. Then, the cannon catapulted the remains of the great president toward the slumbering misty mountains and deep dawn sky. Nathaniel Mason died a legend.