Confusions of Puberty…

“Every year it’s the same, either Whoopi or Billy Crystal.” he murmured as he watched his mom on the edge of her seat, waiting impatiently. Each year his mother would take the following Monday after the Oscars off from work. It was sickening but cute in a my-moms-a-lot-like-a- kid kind of way.

“And the Oscar for ….” These were the last words he heard. Before he knew it, there was no sound and no movement; time had stopped. The boy had never felt a pain this sharp.

“Holy fuck my nuts!” is all he could say.

“Excuse you?” snapped his mother.

“Mom …”

“DAMMIT! JULIA ROBERTS WAS ROBBED! What was that honey?”


“DAMMIT!” his mom yelled. He was on his own for this one. The television had devoured her once again. More importantly he thought, what the hell was going on in my pants? There was only one man capable of answering this age old question.

“Dad you have to help me!”

“What is it son?” said the old man as he sat on his bed in a pair of off white briefs and a long sleeve jogging shirt.

“Dad I was sitting perfectly still and my balls just felt like they caught fire!”

“Oh?” His dad said, “Are u one of those…you know… well… do u like boys?”

“What?” said the boy, “What about the pain?”

“I don’t know but I don’t want that shit. Get away from me boy.” The boy fell.


Sweating and breathing hard, the boy decided he needed to check in his pants for problems and stumbled to the bathroom. The pants dropped, the pain had ceased and every thing looked normal in the mirror. The boy grabbed and pulled searching for the answer. Just when he thought he was in the clear, he spotted a small dot where there had not been one before.

“What could it be?” he wondered. Suddenly the dot moved. With a closer look, he could see its face, antennas, and fangs sinking in for another bite. With a blank expression his eyes focused in on his target “Kill it!” he said to himself. He swung and with all his might connected with the strange foe. He swung repeatedly, pounding away. “Got him!” the boy yelled. It was after the violent swinging, that the boy calmed down and realized that he had beaten his testicles into mush.

Everything went black and all pain was gone.

When the boy awoke he was in a bed with white walls all around. All he heard was the voice of his dad talking to who he assumed was the doctor, “I don’t know why he did it doc I think he’s gay.”