The Undead Army of John Denvers

John Denvers crave the blood of virgins and the souls of first born children. They surround the earth with an icy cold grip, and suffocate only the cutest kitties and puppies. Especially the puppies and kitties with cute little puppy/kitty jackets and hats, those puppies and kitties die first.

John Denvers will suck at your marrow until your bones are dry. John Denvers will feast upon your jowls while drinking Diet Caffeine-Free Dr. Pepper, because they all love Diet Caffeine-Free Dr. Pepper, which is gross.

John Denvers will descend from the sky for your pets, and there is nothing you or I can do about it. Nothing but pray to the stars of whatever merciless god created this army of undead John Denvers, and listen for the soft acoustic folk tunes that will rise and rise into a rising, until our ears explode and the diet caffeine-free lust overcomes us all.

Is a shipping clerk, web designer, and junior at the University of Houston. He is 25 years old, and his website is