Test Anxiety

Martha Stallman
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READ and FOLLOW all instructions carefully. Answer all questions in complete sentences. Use proper spelling, punctuation and grammar. If the question is a multipart question, all parts of the question must be answered to receive credit. Please use only blue or black ink. Do not spend too much time on any one question. If you don’t know the answer already, it is unlikely that you will think of it now, in this cramped, too-bright room that smells of industrial cleaner and stale breath. Do not rip any pages out of your blue book. Please turn off all beepers, cell phones, pacemakers, etc.

Part One: Identifications
Choose five of the terms listed on the green sheet included in your blue book and, for each, write a short identification that includes time, place, historical significance, approximate daily caloric intake, locations of embarrassing birthmarks (BE SPECIFIC!), and overall fabulousness. Choose two terms from column A and three from column B, or choose four from column A and one from column B. You may even choose to do all from column A, but be warned! Few who do live to tell the tale, and those who do are forever changed, damaged in some secret place deep inside themselves that even they cannot reach. Remember: Some scars don’t heal. Despite claims to the contrary, this test does not officially recognize the existence of a third, or “C,” column. Therefore, any identifications of terms not located specially in column A or B will not be tabulated for your final score. In addition, your favorite relative’s home will be located and burned to the ground and everyone will know that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. If you didn’t receive a green sheet with your blue book, now would be a good time to get one, don’t you think?

Part Two: Essay
Answer one of the three essay questions in proper essay format. You can manage that much, can’t you? Intro, body, body, body, conclusion. It’s not neuroscience, genius. Are you still looking for your green sheet? You might want to get a move on, as everyone else seems to be much, much farther along than you, probably because they and this test ridiculously easy. Oh God, is that guy done already?

Grading: Depends upon how annoying you were during the semester. Bet you wish you’d laid off the caffeine now, don’t you?

Good luck!

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Martha Stallman is a senior Creative Writing major at UH. An avid fan of arm wrestling movies and the later works of Raymond Carver, Martha dreamt of becoming an American Gladiator right up until the show was canceled. She lives with her husband and three cats right near where Diedrich’s used to be, the one on Westheimer. For the record, her American Gladiator name was going to be Dazzle.